After reading the letter, I feel envious to that "Doris" who played with her Iphone all thru convo, doing her career woman stuff. Truthfully, I couldn't cope. There are some who loves kids, and there are some, who like me, kids are fine, when they are someone's else.
The pregnancy was unexpected. I was what the doctor called "non-fertile", I weight way more than the recommended weight, my menses are playing havoc, unsteady hormone and so on. So I happily thought, I'm not gonna get pregnant, naah, not in a million years. But then after 5 months without menses, I have the urge to pee on a stick. Yes, in the middle of the night, at 3am, with my husband 100km away from me. And the two lines appeared. I was like, what the fuck? No, I can't be a mom, I'm too young! This went on until morning, at 7am, I went to clinic to get checked up and "Congratulations! You are pregnant!". As the good doctor smile, I feel sick. Suddenly. I puke and all my bones aches.
I feel like I've been sentenced to death. I don't want a child, I cried. I'm too young, I hate kids, and all sort of feelings overwhelm me. Less than a week, I tried to be on positive side. I'd google on what babies like, what they should ate, what they do, blah2. I bought cloth diaper *because they save a lot of money, they are million times better for you*, I downloaded all the app regarding babies, I bought the best postnatal care *tanamera, still the best* in fact I do all sort of research.
Then come the dreaded day of check up. Every month, I will get berated, either not gaining much weight (none, for the first 5 month) to too much weight (5kg during raya) then to not gaining much weight again(none, or less than the desired weight). Next I was given lecture. By anyone who happens to know I'm pregnant. Don't eat durian, don't eat pineapples, don't drink softdrink, don't that don't this. By my 35th week, I've started bleeding as I'm too active. I took early leave. Then I've waited, and waited, and waited. He stopped moving the last week before my due date, so I have to stay in hospital for two days. Then I got checked out, and on Tuesday, if he still won't come out, I'll be having forced labor. On Monday, I delivered him. Still, nothing. No mothering feelings, nothing. I've waited, and I'm tired and sore, and I just want to sleep. Then went I went back, I nursed. Day and night, with sore buds and nearly non stop nursing, I got tired and stressed out. Even hating him a little. I don't feel any "special bond when nursing". None. Nada. I got worried. I know I'm not ready, but I thought it will change once I gave birth.
Even until now, 2 months later, I only have little to none. Sometimes it's fun when he started laughing and so on, but when he cried, I feel like giving up, and give him to someone else (often, my husband). I look at my friends, with their breast fed child *mine went totally formula*, with their surviving on so little sleep *I'll argue with husband on whose turn to nurse/bath/change the baby* on them gushing on their baby, I feel so tired pretending. I guess there are people with maternal instinct. And then, there's Doris and me. I'd like to look at my Iphone more than my child. I'd like to go out without having to have 3 bags, all for one little baby. I'd like to go to anywhere without worrying about whether the milk is enough for him. And I got tired of people giving "advice" on how I should raise him. Are your child perfect? No? Then stop telling me advice. I hate it.
So, Doris, held your head high. Don't just follow what people tell you to do, at least you won't regret in the long term. I'm thinking of having an only child. One is maybe too many for me. We'll see. Maybe I'll grow up and learn responsibilities. Maybe...
And those cloth diaper that I bought? They are looking lovely in the cupboard. None used. Oh and I love Whoppee's diaper. Drypac, Drypers, Pet Pet all not working for me.
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