Koko and Oncet

I bought another fish, a very very veryyyy fat gold fish, who looks like 100months pregnant, and namer her Oncet. And I think Koko is curious about the new comer, and he keep on kissing her ass! Or trying to swim beside her, or just lay still when she is. Omaigod, is Koko having a huge crush on Oncet?? But Oncet so bloody sombong, always swishing her tail off. Ceh. 




And V thinks she is that nice cute innocent goldfish and I am the notty sibuk annoying sepat mutiara. Yeah righttt. :P We are still having a pissed off contest right now where we are teasing each other mercilessly. :P I love teasing her and watching she makes her cute faces. Hahaha.


And am making a record of 24 hours with no sleep yet, and am waiting for my brother to arrive. Yippe! My baby is on her way to her Mummy! Should I crochet something for it? I don't want my baby to crash, haihh. Will upload the photos of the baby, the fishes and what-not later. :) 


Stay tune!

On cutting, suicide and dying

By now, everyone probably knows about Alviss Kong, who the same age of me, took his own life after his recent breakup. I am not gonna blame the girlfriend, things like this happen, relationship fails all the time, and I'm not gonna blame him either, coz probably he gave his heart out and just can't take it when it ends.


Personally, I think he is bloody cute, and he could get all the girls he wants. Heck if a man in prison could get a girlfriend, how hard can a normal, cute 22year old guy get another one right? But he loves her too much, and his depression just took him over. Its a pity and my condolence toward his families.RIP, Alviss Kong.


I could not say that I never had a suicide thought either. Back in the days when I was so depressed I could hardly think straight. And its not even new anymore, I was back in primary/secondary and it just keep coming and relapse. The thoughts of dying of course. I don't even know why am I so bloody depressed, I mean, I got a great family who give me everything I want, I always been the clever girl, the prefect, the face of brain, and I have lots of friends and stuff, but I was just, depressed. 


But I didn't do anything suicidal, but when the pain gets so bad, I cut. Not paper, not hair, but I cut myself. Mostly on my fingers and I just stare as the blood dripping out of the cut, and remember thinking the pain is out with the blood, the pain is out. Another thing I did is pierce my ear myself, which I have 13 of it. I remember piercing the upper ear after my last relationship fails, and when I think I'm heal, I opened up the stud, and let them close, and thinking, the hole is closing, and so does my heart, and I am healed, the scar will remain, but I am healed. I kept thinking that and yes, probably my visualizing was so good, my heart heal in time for another relationship. 


And I'm not telling this just to get attention, but I know how bad the pull is, how I think about if I die, I don't have to face this anymore. How thinking of dying could actually makes me happy. And sometimes, even now, I do feel the urge to cut myself, to do some physical pain to myself just to get even. But now am trying to channel myself to a positive side, and I remember doing everything just to get by, just to get the thoughts of suicide out of my head. I read, I sew, I bake, I crochet, just to pass the day. I eat a lot just to numb those feelings, and I admit, I'm an emotional eater. When I'm happy, I don't mind not eating and I don't feel hungry much, but when I'm on my depressed or I'm tense, I start eating, a lot and gain more pounds everyday. =.=". I guess I think by numbing out my feelings, and concentrating on my food is better than lying on my bed, thinking how and where to cut myself next. Its not easy, and teasing of my body just makes me wanna eat until I puke. But I'm slowly trying to distinguish between eating to live, or eating, just for the sake of it. I'm trying to do various things at once, and sometimes I'm just to tired of everything and want to stop, but I keep on going. I try not to depend on others, I try not to hung tightly and be paranoid. 


Yes, people day recite Quran, pray more, but sometimes it didn't work, I can't be praying when I'm in class and suddenly I get those thoughts kan? I tried my best, but sometimes, the thoughts are overwhelming. One day at a time baby. It gets better. Its a taboo word this suicide thing, but I'm not gonna close my eyes over it. I try to be there for those who have suicide thoughts, cos I know, there's a different when people actually care. I don't mind spending time for other people, and that makes me an easy target to con, but yeah, I tried to help those who need my help. Although at times, resentment and anti socializing try to overcome me. But since I'm a fighter, and I fought myself all the time, so nothing could get me down ever again. 


And I remember for one English class that we have to do a presentation, I chose suicide. The topic, not the actual thing. Millions suicide occurs every other day, and I don't want to be another statistic. However bad life treating you, however unfair you think God is, just remember it will get better, and God knows that you are fit enough for His challenge. 


My dad has a lung cancer, and he amaze me by not breaking down or bothered about it, and he try to live his life to the fullest. He went everywhere, met everyone, going to places and I feel small. Me, without any bothering stuff, thinking of suicide when my dad who could be taken down by the cancer anytime, trying his best to be alive and truly living. My friend, who had discovered she had a tumor and operate last week, trying her best to be alive, doing her best not to cry and be depressed. My another friend, who have tons, I mean tons of disease and her body is so weak, always smiling and be gracious towards everything. So, is it fair that those who healthy as bull try to commit suicide and those who knows that their life hanging onto a string trying their best to stay alive. Crazy isn't it?


So people, if its too hard to take, try to talk to people, write up your feelings, read books, seek help! Sometimes, we didn't see the sun, but we know its always there. If I had committing suicide earlier, I will never meet Khyru and being this blissfully happy. I would never had a HTC Desire *yes I need to point that out, will be getting it on Tuesday or Wednesday wipppeee!* I would not meet my bffs today, and I would not inherited a four acre of land * yes my dad named me as inheritor for that land, not my other siblings, maybe because I love the land too much, and I m the only one who wants to do something with that piece of land, so I can cross two of my wish list*. So you see people, life is hard, life is a bitch, but unless you're living it, you don't even know what you are missing. Take care, till then.

HTC Desire and HTC Legend

*Smile*

Oh yes I am in a very good mood lately.

My phone, HTC Desire just arrived at my lovely brother doorstep, and will be embracing mama in a week.

As all of you probably know, Khyru's birthday just passed, and I haven't got any present yet. 

Well its because I actually wanna buy him another Desire.

However, my brother have Legend on his hand, but still I'm not sure. 

Should I wait and buy another Desire, or should I go with the Legend?

Damn.That is a hard choice.

...............

Okay, at last, I asked him.

And he said, he's fine with anything, so...no surprise there. :(

And yest, I video call my brother, and saw my Desire. Oh!!!

How I wish he's coming back quickly!!

I want my Desire!!

Okay, another week. Just a few days, I can handle it. :)

Here is Legend::

Since he is crazy about GPS, so I thought this is the appropriate gift for him. 

But I checked that Malaysia have no google maps, or lagging too much, so I look on forums and there are some apps that needed to be downloaded, and accurately points way just like a GPS.

So I m happy for that

Since he's not a gamer or playing internet heavily, unlike me, so he said this is just perfect.

But still, I want to actually give him Desire too. 

Too bad, but as long as he s happy with the gift, then its ok! :)

And I think I need to change my data plan. :)